This post is to help me maybe figure myself out again and maybe get some suggestions as to how I can be better at life.
I am feeling like I need to check into the loony bin. Since having Ryker I have felt pretty good and motivated about life, our home, helping Brady, making friends, serving others, trying to be a good wife, and mom. I have struggled with feeling good about myself. I have always struggled with weight and my body image. Gaining weight with my pregnancy was a hard one for me and it has been even more of a struggle trying to work it off. I have been very diligent about exercising 4-6 days a week and trying to eat healthy and yet I have only managed to lose 1 pound since Ryker's 6 week appointment. That ='s very depressing and a major motivation killer. I know muscle weighs more than fat but I feel like like I should have made a little more progress than this. I also have to remind myself daily that it took me 9 months to put it on and it will take at least 9 to work it off. But that still does not help me feel pretty or good in my body. I know that I should get dressed daily but putting on jeans can be depressing because it reminds me of how much I dislike my body right now. Brady is super sweet and always reminding me that I am looking better and what I am doing is working. Do I actually listen to the words he is saying? NO. Why? That is a very good question and I am trying to figure that one out myself. Reason 1 why I should be in the loony bin.
Reason 2 all I want to do all day is sleep. I know Ryker has reverted back to getting up 3-4 times a night but I feel like if he would allow me to I could/wold sleep all day long. Not healthy I know. Days that all I do is sleep, feed Ryker, play with Ryker, and repeat all day long are very depressing and me realize how pathetic I really am and what my life has become. Not a good combination because as I am typing this the logistical Lindsay knows I am better than this but the crazy Lindsay can't help but think this.
People are always saying to me "I know how busy you are" but they are totally wrong. I am not busy. I am board and lonely and don't want to leave my house for fear that when I come home we will have been robbed again. I have never been much of a home body but now I am because of this fear. I know I need to get over it and all will be better but I am having a hard time trying to figure out how to? I have many "projects" that I should/need to work on but can't seem to motivate myself to do them.
A friend said to me that this could be winter blues. I have never had issues with the winter so it got me wondering... or is it baby blues? How do I tone down the crazy and get back to being social and myself so Ryker and I have more fun and enjoy life more?
Reason 3 I feel that all of the changes in the past year have taken toll on mine and Brady's relationship. Before going back to school Brady and I got to spend every night chatting and playing games. We loved this. Now we eat dinner together and talk for about 20 minuets total most days. I feel like we need to learn how to court each other again but I don't know how to. We are much too young to be having this boring of a relationship. We need to find the fun, the giggles, the tickles, the love of our friendship/relationship again.
Reason 4 how do I get out of the house more with Ryker but not spend any money? I am trying very hard to reduce our living expenses but what can you do with a 6 month old that is FREE and not in your house? I was really looking forward to being able to going running and on lots of walks until my jogger was stolen {lame thief - I HATE you}. Atlanta is a tricky city for going on walks anyway. One moment you are on a sidewalk and the next the sidewalk stops and then starts again on the next block. But all of the roads are too busy to just walk down without a sidewalk therefore creating a problem for trying to walk anywhere with a baby.
I think it is just time for some change. I don't know what kind of change I am looking for or what will help me get out of this funk I am in but it needs to happen soon before Brady really does have to check me in the loony bin. Maybe changing my hair will help? Should I cut layers? bangs? chop it all off? Alright my stylist friends what are your suggestions for me in this department? I need a new look.
After typing this all out I am already feeling a tiny bit better about myself. Thanks for helping me be just a little less crazy.
14 comments:
First of all cut layers and bangs!! It's not too big of a change, but it will make you feel like a new woman! and second you are not looney!! Your a mom! Your one of the strongest women I know, you can pull through this! and I'm working on quite a few of these things myself so I don't have too many suggestions!! haha When/if I ever figure things out I will let you know! :)
Oh my word, I feel like I wrote this lady!!! Everything you have said are the exact same things I tell myself, and Josh. Seriously. I am trying to figure it all out myself, it's frustrating and difficult. The money issue, agh the money issue. It's hard not spending, but it sucks to stay in all day. YOu have to make sure you're going on a date. Try at least once a month at first! I think my issue is once we have an actual HOUSE that will help. Then I can actually do all these projects I have in mind. Okay, I could go on and on about how much I am feeling your pain on all these matters! ha. I have definitely had days where I feel like I need major theropy. Ironic considering I want to be a psychologist. ha.
Don't do anything too drastic with your hair! You might regret it later :) I agree..bangs and/or layers!
MOST of my friends that had babies didn't really drop their weight til they were done breast feeding.
Can I tell you I'm having some of these same feelings and I don't even have a baby?! I think people are on to something when they talk about the winter blues :( And maybe you DO have a small case of baby blues? Summer will be something to look forward to! Then you can go to the pool and parks and feel much better about going out :)
Linds you are so amazing and I know so many people look up to you.. including me! This will pass and will you make you a better mommy and wifey :)
(are sundays a good day you could plan to play games?! Worth a try!)
I have been having a lot of these same feelings too - you are not alone Linds! I talked to Terry about them and he suggested I make them my New Years Resolutions. So now everyday no matter what I get up and shower and put on makeup and get dressed. I cannot tell you how much better I feel about myself when I do that - even though my pants are still a little too tight and I have some major love handles I still do it. I think Terry likes the tight pants, to be honest ;)
And I also promised myself that I would get out and do something with girls in my ward twice a week no matter what. You'd be surprised at how many women just sit at home and are bored all day - I was! We started a facebook group called "The Texas Wives Club" and we post fun things to do online. Parker and I have also been going to storytime at the library - it's free! And even though he doesn't really get a lot out of it, it's still fun and it's nice to be out of the house. Invite some girls over for a movie day and lunch - I did that the other day and it was a blast. Today we are going to an outdoor mall to walk around and enjoy the weather.
And I agree with the "I need a new look" aspect. sometimes you just have to buy some nice makeup and get a good haircut. I'm still deciding what to do with my hair - I might go short again we'll see. Just pamper yourself!!! You deserve it!! We all deserve it!
And I know you're probably already doing this but prayer has helped me so much. Before Parker was born I wasn't very good about personal prayer - we were good about couples prayer - but now I crave that one on one time each morning. It helps me start my day off right.
Wow - way too much advice. To summarize: I love you, you are an amazing mom, I'm right there with you on feeling down but we are hot and sexy, and our men are the best!
layers! it will be just enough of a change to make you feel new.
hope you feel better. thinking of you
I know what will fix this. A two week vacation to NORTH CAROLINA! We could giggle like little girls again and look at each other's unbecoming baby weight. And do ab ripper and work out TOGETHER.
After having my first two boys i thought for sure I'd ruined my body for good, but eventually I lost the weight. Not saying my body was the same as it was before, but I lost the baby weight. Now I'm wondering when all this baby weight is going to go away.
I might have to get over my fear of driving in big cities and come visit you! I need to get out soo bad too.
I'm so sorry you guys got robbed. That seriously had to have been the thing that brought everything tumbling down. At least for me it would have been. I know you didn't write this for people to tell you to how amazing you are but you are so strong. You are going through so so much. I am in a similar situation but I'm lucky enough to see Blake more at night. And we didn't get robbed! Twice!
I think being a mom is exhausting. You don't have time for yourself either. So I would say cut your hair, get a pedicure, or go shopping. Even if you are buying a bigger size. Its depressing at first but they WILL get looser and you won't feel blah everytime you have to squeeze into your pants. Change is so good. Rearrange your furniture. It always seems to help. Open your blinds and let the sun shine in. If its a nice day open the windows. Even if youre inside all day it will refresh you.
Trust me these are things I try to do. Each day is such a struggle. Remember you being in Atlanta is temporary. And think of how nice things will be after. Maybe a way to get out is visiting Brady at the library when he needs a break and bring him cookies. Even if he has to meet you in your car. A little family outing haha:)
Sorry for the book. I totally should have just called you! Sometimes you just need to vent. Call me anytime:)
Oh my sweet little Linny - I love you, miss you and feel your pain (a little too literally). Yes, having people tell you how wonderful you are is great, but doesn't solve the problems (at least for me). So know that I do think you are great but want to get to the down and dirty. Expectations - I know you don't want Brady to get on your case about things, but if you know he has certain "expectations" such a clean house, meals made and pleasant wife, it is easier to actually do these things. I find myself not caring one bit about anything until Anthony calls on his way home from work. I then scramble to organize the house so it appears that I have done something. Not that he cares - but I feel better our home is in a good state when he comes home. I have asked him to say something to me if things are done but he hasn't fallen for that trap yet :) Check out your local library and just sit in the kids area and read books to Ryker or check out baby videos for him. I really think there is something to the winter blues. I have been struggling for the past 3 or 4 weeks. Check out to see if any of the museums have free days. Or....come visit me! We can be crazy together. Call me because I am always around :) Stay stong!
Oh Lindsay I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! Ive gone through these bits in life and sometimes it feels like you can't even tell your husband in embarrassment. Atleast that's how I've felt at times. I'll pray for you :) xoxo
Ps the whole time, before I read that you were wanton to change your hair, I was thinking you should chop and dye. Then you'll have fun gettin dressed for the dy and looking in the mirror.
LInds I love you and am wish I could do more to help! I would be a complete wreck if I was in the same situations as you! you are strong! Take it a day at a time and every day focus on just accomplishing one thing, thats it. So its not so overwhelming...laundry, dusting, vacuuming, excersizing, etc. love ya. ANd your hair is gorgeous! I do think that cutting off a few inches and layers would be a fun change tho!
hey sissy! don't forget what we talked about when we chatted. you are a rockin' woman and a great mom. one thing each morning when you get up. let that be a starter for you and carry you farther. for me, reading the conference talks (since we just got the conference ensign!) has given me some refreshed feelings. i was feeling guilty about being a mean mommy yesterday and today, i saw more of the beauty in my little beauties.
you need to talk with brady about feeling like ya'll aren't connecting well. given the time constraints with school, plan one evening that is ya'lls once ryker is asleep. by having a set night, it is something to look forward to, plan, and brady can keep in his mind about being available for it with studies. you need good communication time. don't always resort to a movie b/c you don't talk much. games, start reading a book together, pack your house, cook something fun together, trade massages....
we love you and miss you daily!
Your post makes me think of a cheesy LDS song from a way long time ago- maybe before you were born. It says "which part is mine and which part is yours?" I wish I could remember the rest but I think of it often when I have feelings such as yours.
Several people suggested a set time for a date with Brady- do it. I recommend finding another couple to swap date nights with once a month and trade baby sitting. Then it is something that can be coordinated with Brady's test/large paper or project schedule but still gives you time for just the 2 of you.
I say chop your hair and donate it- just kidding. You have always been able to pull off the bangs look really well.
Also, I second Megan's reading conference talks each day. I also get the same sort of spiritual buzz, if you will, from the new Ensign. I gain new perspective and it helps remind me of "which part is mine". I love you Lindsay and you can at least look forward to seeing us in a few short weeks- yippee!!!
Oh Lindsay. First of all, you are gorgeous and you always will be. It's the honest truth. We all know it.
Now regarding your workout- are you getting your heart rate up when you exercise? Are you getting the cardio? You have to get your heart rate up to lose fat, so keep that in mind.
Yes- seasonal depression is a real thing, but if you feel like it's lasting long then try changing something in your life. Make a list of things YOU want to accomplish before summer: reading books, crafts, hair cut, or whatever.
Now for you and Brady- set time every week to be together. I know his school is CRAZY, but maybe sunday would be a good day. Set time aside where you can Ryker to bed and be alone. you NEED to keep it going. You can do this!!!
Lastly, I think you're an amazing mom and wife. You're extremely supportive and you're doing so well. keep it up. Try to make more friends out there. I know you mentioned many are moving away, so try making new ones. You can make it through this. We all go through downs in our lives. We love you and we'll keep you in our prayers. xoxo
Totally random but I stumbled across your blog via Dayna Magleby's blog. Anywho, hope you don't think it's weird for a stranger to comment. But in reading your post you sound perfectly normal :) Yay.
After waiting 8 long years to become a mom I was shocked at the "downer" feelings I had afterward. I've come to realize that a baby brings a LOT of adjustment to life and it takes time to learn how to cope with the new life. It's not a bad one, just new and different. Hang in there and get a little sunshine. 15 min a day on your arms and legs no matter what the temp is... dramatically increases serotonin levels in the brain, thus increasing mood.
good luck and thanks for letting a stranger follow along :)
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